pucker up

SUCKS 2003-05-12 5:52 p.m.

I am still having a bad day. i have yes been demoted, but as a punishment. Not because I wanted to. I mean for real what's the point, why do people try to aggravate me. Then I find out that all of my responsiblilties were taken and now my,"friend" has them all. I don't even want to look at her and she can't get why. I spent all of that time organizing her shit and making sure everything went smotthly for her. Now all of my work was for nothing. I have been sick to my stomach for days now.

When it rains it pours. I went to sign my lease for my new apartment and i gave them my deposit. I went back to work and cried. I went home and cried. Then I cam back the next day to work, still feeling betrayed and guess what. My aunt calls out of nowhere, I mean she didn't even call to say good-bye. Well the conversation was,"Blah blah, I wanted to see if you were alive... um...you can always come back". No way that's not an option. How come people tell me that I can come back and noone had asked me to stay. I hate my family. I get back into work and I get a phone call. Yeah, well even though they gave me my new address, I didn't get the apartment. so as of the 31st, I don't have anywhere to live. Nice right. I mean maybe it'll work out because I really was sceptical about committing myself to 12 months here again. I guess my patience is thin. I won't take years of badness. It's getting bad, I want to be out. then Lisa can't understand why i don't want to talk to her. I don't want to talk to anyone. I have other things on my mind. Like what's my life going to be like 2 weeks from now.

I mean I know she's trying but I am sick of people asking why i am upset. She says to get my hours changed to hers. For what I just got put in a position wher I am not needed and the one thing that I did that noone else could is now hers. So her job is sweet and secure and mind isn't. I guess I would have fought for her if things were turned around, but that's never the case with me. so I cry some more.

I am really sick of crying, but I don't know what to do, I don't want to go back to Jersey. If I have to I can't because I don't have the money to move back up there. I mean anything I do will be taking 50 steps backward. to leave here and be able to take nothing. I can probably get a place but then, what if I don't have a job. I mean Lisa has everything. All of my hard work, everything. Why? Why do I get punish for doing what I am told. How come I am always worried about where I am living. How come I let Lisa stay with me for 3 weeks, and she can't stand up for me. I know I could stay with her but I mean, I don't know I am very hurt about what happened. I am so fucking depressed. My eyes are puffy, I keep throwing up. I am a mess.

I hate feeling this way but I am scared to even try to cheer up. Everytime I do something else happens. I am an emotional wreck. Tuesday was bad, then Wed. work was better. I get called on Thursday about my duties changing. Which might I add, Lisa knew what was happening and instead of giving me a heads up she just tells me to call my manager and acts dumb. I hate when people do that to me. i hate being taken for an idiot. I hate being alone.

<< now >>