pucker up

what you've missed 2003-02-09 6:04 p.m.

I am sickened by my judgements, yet passionate about my feelings.

I am intimidated by the mass, not their performance.

I need answers more than I ask questions.

I was 14 when i loss my virginity to John. It's was six months before I went down on him. he never returned the favor and out of the 6 years we were on and off again I think he got to third with me once. I only told him I loved him once and that was the last time we ever went out, kissed, and slept together. Weird right. I lossed my virginity on a mattress on the floor in my ho friends room. Me and John did it once with a condom, then again without, he did his business in me. The him and that girl Kim made out in front of me. I cried my eyes out and she acted like she didn't know why. He didn't call me the next day, or the day after that. I had to see him at wrestling practice everyday. sometimes we'd go home together after the matches. He never really called me at first. i use to be such a doormat and would let myself get demeaned all the time.

never met anyone off the internet except this kid that me and my friends torture to the point of stalking. He's really ugly and thinks that we'll fuck him. So we tell him to meet us all over and then watch him from a bush and laugh. this has been going on since we were 16. I still have his number and crank him sometimes. i am a loser.

I got kicked out of my house when i was 15 for my mom's younger retarded boyfriend. He eventually tried to get me for assault and told people I went to school with that i was crazy. They just laughed it off. My mom's present boyfriend told my friends at school that I would knife him. Again they laughed it off.

There was a whore that I knew at highschool. She talked shit about everyone and fuck anything but would never admit when confronted. I told her boyfriend she was cheating on him and he broke up with her. (It was the truth) then I hooked up with and got felt up by her other boyfriend. While that asshole John was asleep in the same bed. Ha ah, then I told this guy's girlfriends that her man was making out with the whore in the basement, (again it was true) she got her ass kicked that same night.

Sex is such a confusing thing and when you have it your emotions don't know where to go. We all think that sex is a good thing, it's drilled in our heads, so if it doesn't feel right it can be hard to distinguish whether or not it's a good thing to be doing. I spent the last year Cellibute (however you say it). I decided this after my drunken one night stand. I mean I feel that it was great, I mean like the best sex in the world, but I think that I ran out of there in the morning. I didn't even kiss him goodbye. Everything was telling me that it was a good night, he was hot, the sex was so intimate, but I just didn't feel right in the morning. After awhile, I mean I ddin't leave him my number or anything, when I didn't hear from him I realized that my gut reaction from that morning totally meant that I shouldn't have done that. I didn't cry or worry I just decided that at 21 and 7 yrs of having sex I was not fully ready to handle it. So I swore off sex. Then 10 months after that, I end up sleeping with Anthony my good friend's ex-boyfriend. That 's when I decided to get the fuck up out of that entire place. I am no ho, I just was 13 when met john, 14 when I slept with him, that went on all the way until I was 18. I was 19 when I slept with michael-john that went on for like 6 months but me and him turned out to be more compatible as friends. He also had two kids floating around and was 7 yrs. older than me. Well we bacame roomates for awhile. Finally at 21 there ws Ryan and Anthony. I mean that's like a really erratic sexual history. So here I am again, confused, 2 thousand miles away from any guy I ever dated, and I think I am swaring off sex again. It's all about me again.

Okay the relationship between my parents is horrific. I hated the both of them for quite a few years and that only ended recently. I actually have to say that I finally forgive my mother for everything she had done. i just excused my father for everything he hasn't done. The way I saw it was that they should have never had kids. They were too selfish and wanted to many things for themselves. A match made in hell they divorced when I was two. I think that they held a hidden resent towards me. I came right when they moved here from Argentina. I think sickley enough my newborn ass represented all their hardships. I am your typical middle child except I got all of the negative attention. Now I understand it wasn't because of me, it was because of them. they were just so self pitying and involve to care for the second child. things got even worse when my mom had my little sister with my step father. He treated me so strictly and disciplined so much. My mother let him hit me, my sister ran rampid, and my brother did what the fuck he wanted. this went on for years until I started fighting back. For a long time I got hit when I shouldn't have so finally I laid down the golden rule. You hit me I am going to hit you back. I mean my Step father was a big guy and I felt threatened. The last time he ever hit me involved me breaking one of his fingers. he actually changed for the better and never was a dick again. I think that I actually taught him a lesson. My mom divorced him when I was 14. This all went on at the same time. I met John, my brother moved out, this faggot boyfriend of my mom moved in, and me and my mom started fist fighting. I warned her not to hit me, but her being full of pride would take that wack anyways. finally I slit my wrists because i didn't make weight for wrestling, John stop talking to me, my mom was a cunt and I was 15. I was removed from one situation only to be put in a worse one. wow let me continue that next entry, anyway my mom redeemed herself eventually.

Fights have a tendency to find me. I am actually a very passive person, I try to always break up fights and keep the peace. For some reason actually I can think of a few, people want to fight me. me, the 5"6 180lbs. girl who was on the boys wrestling team, benches close to 100lbs, and has taken like 6 yrs of self-defense classes. It's always a boyfriend, someone like ten years older than me, and like two sisters at once.

RANDOM THOUGHTS AND CONVERSATIONS YOU HAVE MISSED OUT ON.

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