pucker up

Problems 2004-04-13 9:03 a.m.

I am sitting at my friend's place in Orlando like being fucking bi-polar. I don't know what happened I was fine and I am sitting up watchng Mad TV. Then out of nowhere I decide to cry about all the mildly mean and insignificant shit Randy has done to me. You know little undertones of conversion we have had back in January that made me feel like shit. Quick little foot notes that made me hurt. I all of the sudden wanted to just cry and I did, I wanted to just let him know what a prick he was about 6 times over the past month. This coming from the girl that totally got a kick out of him telling me he loved me and me telling him I wouldn't ever love him.

For real, I care about him. No different then like my best friend. I sleep with him bu tI don't sleep with anyone else. I am pretty loyal to him and monogamous. So I really guess I don't want to stop. That they he was explaining his feeling to me, I jump from flattery to resentment right away. He was pushing me away because he was getting attached. I felt so mad. What's so wrong with falling in love with me. He made me feel like such a piece of shit. Am I that bad of a person. Is it so unfathomable that you can have genuine feeling for me. It just took my reinvented outlook of life and crushed it.

I spent a long time being a hurt little girl who's submissive demeanor just invited cruelty into her life. "Give an inch, they take a mile." My attitude had been terrible. I mean I just figure that it wasn't "Bad things happen to good people..." my misfortune could only be explained by, "Bad things happened to bad people."

I hope I feel better later.

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