pucker up

Rant and Rave 2002-12-31 2:45 p.m.

Well it's New year's Eve, noone to kiss. Oh well, I am not too concerned this year. Actually I don't even want to do anyhting. I hav been in a particularily nasty mood today and I wish I wasn't. I yelled at my mom like ten times, I feel so bad because she's only trying sooo hard and I am screaming at her. Over stupid shit. I hate taking things out on other people. Then my friend called me up saying she was promised food by me. I almost bit her head off. First off I said that when I get settled in I would cooked all of us (her, her brother and boyfriend, maybe even her son) a turkey dinner. I don't know where she got New year's especially when I get out of work at 7 then the fact that I have no pots and pans, or the fact that I have no silverware and not even close to being settled in.

Look this is the girl that when I called to ask her questions about moving here, she just offered her home to me. This is the girl who helped me out by driving me to places and had her boyfriend get me a job. (He's my manager) Okay at least I didn't, I just wish that I had that same consideracy towards my family. I don't know why I am evil. I don't know why I am a bitch to those I shouldn't be and then disregarding to those I should be a bitch too. I want to stop because I think it's a real problem.

No seriously, I asked this lady if she could bring me to work two days out of the week and she said yes. She is such a sweet hip old lady with some marital problems. I absolutely adored this lady, then after she agreed to do this very nice thing for me I started getting aggravated silently with her throughout the day. I have a mental disorder. I no that I have been through alot of abuse through my years. Stuff that we all seem to look pass or forget. I know that maybe part of my problem is that I don't want to excuse any of my behavior, and this is because of the torment I recieved. I want to be strong, but not with all these problems. I know everything happens to everyone, and I am not trying to cop out, I just want it to not happen to me for awhile.

I really don't want to bite the hand that feeds me. I also don't want to feel so terribly guilty for things I shouldn't have even done in the first place. I am not saying thta I don't want to feel guilty at all. I just think that I shouldn't feel as guilty as I do. I feel guilty for everything. Like for example, if I see a chinese person walking on the street, I worry about what might happen to them. I feel guilty about how someone may or may not make fun of them. I feel guilty for old people. I worry that someone may yell at them just because they are slow and or old.

I just think that all together I should get a more realistic range on my emotions. Believe it or not I have a bit since I have been down here. At least I will apologize for being soooo wrong and out of line. I mean I can live with having made an ass out of myself. Just as long as someone knows I am sincere when apologizing. That is the one thing I know about myself and never want to change. I am sincere when I apologize.

Well this all leads up to the fact that I decided I do not want my friend Michelle moving in with me in the future. I think I also decided that I do not even like her that much. I will tell her in like three months. I know that she ia trying to keep me around for her conveinence. So she'll have somewhere to stay when she wants to get her life together. I am not signing a year lease with this girl. I am not getting stuck with her sour ass.

She is all about herself, she tries not to be but she is. For example she'll have unprotected sex and do this knowing that she has a permanent STD. She had HPV, and recently contracted clamydia. Then knowing slept unprotected with someone other than the guys who gave her it. Then was still willing to sleep with the asshole who gave her clamydia. Then to top all this crap off, she wouldn't go on birth control pill. You see this makes her a certain level of trash that I don't want brought into my house.

Well anyone just sign the guest book and give me feed back on anything. Read my previous entries, form an opinion, and just get back to me. Consider yourself my new therapist.

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