pucker up

Mine 2003-06-17 2:48 p.m.

I write this entry incognito!!! I wish I didn't have so much work to do. I didn't really want to come in today though I had nothing to do. I got up early and decided to walk to the Post Office, I mailed out bills and letters to my friends. I picked up some groceries and headed back home. I cooked up some luch and did the dishes, well you get the idea. I was in the middle of doing my weekly budget on my dry erase calendar and started tearing. "Where the fuck did my childhood go." I've been doing this since 15 and the only difference is that at least it's in my own apartment. I pray all the time, it's mostly just thanking God alot. I use to walk out to go to work and say, "God please watch over the place I'm allowed to stay." They were so awful to me, my own self regretting family, that I would honestly say that. I bought my own food I had my own phone, I paid their bills and took their shit, and I would still say that. I thank God for those that give me nothing. It felt so good today when on the way to my mailbox I could ask God to watch over MY apartment.

All of them are such fools. They are I might have had it rough and because of them, but I am such a better person. I am! My Grandmother took her whole pathetic life out on me because she was angry about how everyone always took advantage of her. Yet she resented me for being independent as can be from her. My brother will go on about taking me in under his wing, his poor abused and angry sister. Telling me that I need therapy because he took playing the martar road to seriously. He'll forever go on thinking he's a saint as he make his Grandmother pay his bills and food and do his laundry, and call it love.

I think that I will never see it again and all it will do is make them resent me even more. Being a black sheep sounds like it sucks, but I think it's just another name for logic. Logic, I run my life strictly off Logic, it's the closest to right I will ever be. If being a Black Sheep mean not only that, but also that I am not anything like THOSE people. I'll take it. I believe any family that makes an 11 yr old want to die. What can I say, I would feel like shit if I knew I did that. It's not like they didn't.

When I am down those are the things I think about to bring me up. I hope that is not as disturbing as I think.

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