pucker up

Confused 2003-07-07 6:44 p.m.

It amazes me that even at 22yr olds, my insecurities are still with me. I'll try to explain breifly. There's a guy at work that I am real close with and he just recently started hooking up with this other pretty girl that we work with. She great and fun and on occasion, well more often than not, we all hang out. I got really jealous when they first started hooking up. I guess it was that I enjoyed having him as mine, friend, and him being a guy. I mistaked my retarded attachment as a crush for like two seconds. I know that I am a bit homesick where back at home all of my best friends were guys. I get very protective of my relationships with guy friends because they are the only good I see in guys. This is because I date assholes, well really just the one. So I was jealous for a New York minute and then let it go. It's weird though because he's been real sweet and attentive to me lately. So I am getting a bonus because it's like all the perk of a boyfriend and none of the downs about it. Okay now cut to Thursday night they give me a call and tell me I have to come out. I get all dressed real cute and go over to his house, he's still in the shower. It's also kind of like he doesn't pay attention to her when I am around. She's sitting in the living room and I am in his bedroom going through he's DVD's. I have to wonder why he wouldn't just bring the DVD's out to me instead of calling me into his room. Isn't this nuts, I am seriously back in Highschool, ha! Well, that isn't the case once they start drinking, I lose my power points or something. So she was just talking to a guy at the end of the night and him and his friends almost faught the poor guy. They referred to her as his girlfriend and that drove me nuts. I was so angry and I couldn't understand why, I still don't. I just masked it in the whole,"I am so embarrassed, that was so unnecessary..." I am such a baby, I guess I just wanted someone to fight over me, I don't care when I am sober. Now the really bad thing is he would be about me if I didn't send him such strong signals that i don't want to date. And I really don't want to date anyone, I just want things to be mine. We had a heart to heart last night and I almost was honest but I stopped myself because there was no way to get it out without making it seem that I was giving him an option. Also everyone started coming outside when I tried to talk to him. I am glad I didn't say anything because when the day rolls over I would just not act upon anything. I would end up just fucking with the poor guys head for no reason. I rather stay friends because at least I wouldn't get tired of that. I discard guys like old dolls, I get so tired of them so quick. Why do we get bratty and crazy like that? I am normally grown-up about everything because I am a grown-up but out of nowhere come the spurt of kiddie shit. I am a fucking weirdo.

last night he called me up to go out. When he showed up it was just me and him. I have to admit I was stoked. We ended up talking about them and he finally was honest about it. The dummy acted so surprised that I had known for so long. At first I panicked because he asked me about what I wanted to talk to him about the other night. Oh I just went on and on about how I like to hvae heart to hearts with my friend when I am drunk to let them know how much I appreciate them. Man I know what he was thinking and he doesn't even know how right he is. It broke my heart though because he honestly thinks that they're going out. She so is against that and I know she's talking with her ex again. he said he didn't care and he would wait given that there's noone waiting for him or willing to fight. How much more obvious can that be, can I be, can he be. What is stopping me from saying something, I don't know. There really isn't a worst case scenerio here and I can't do it. I really should just say something and give him an option.

This sucks why does shit like this always happen. Wanting what I can't have, taking something I don't want. he's not my type but so great and he's going to get hurt. Someone out there tell me what to do. Do I tell him? That kind of fucks her over to and she never meant to hurt my feelings. What if I do get bored of him , it would be all for nothing. I just cried about it last night and I don't know what this stuff means to me. Help!

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