pucker up

Thoughts 2003-07-29 3:46 p.m.

I made the best mixed CD. I am listening to it right now and getting so many flashbacks. I wonder if anyone ever made a mix of nothing but songs from highschool. I am sure they have, I would like to hear the song list. I think that it can tell you alot about a person. Think back to all four years of highschool or ages 14 through eighteen and pick two songs from each year. They have to be something you can listen to over and over again.

It's very weird to think that I will be flying back home in less then a month. I could simply not go, but it's like something I have to do. I am filming everyone's reaction to when they see me. I wonder if they'll be happy. I feel like I will be. It's kind of like that Highschool Reunion type of fantasy deal. Except instead of 15 years it's barely been one. I am 27 lbs thinner. I don't want to tell my friends just yet because they get all worried and shit. I am being good and doing my thing, it doesn't seem to propose any type of health threat. Fashionably though that's a different story. Nothing fits and I have no money to buy new clothes. They tease me mercifully at work about it. Then I bought a really nice shirt for $30 and it's already too big. so cute though.

I wonder what it would be like to run into an ex-boyfriend. How I could hold against them calling me fat when they try the moves on me. Well except M.J., he just loved me the way I was. Wished it worked out. John is so out of the question, I am only about hurting him. If I were to run into Ryan I would consider it. That was a really fun night, I just don't want to be drunk the next time I sleep with someone. That can only lead me into hurting someone that doesn't deserve it like it did with Anthony. So there's my list, maybe I won't take one of my for previous choices, maybe I'll opt for Lucky #5. Well probably not.

It's nice to not have to live in my Daydreams anymore to hide me from my self hatred. I really don't hate myself that much anymore. I use to want to just run face first in a mirror or something. Coming from such a dark place is a distant memory nowadays. I will never understand how I got passed all of that. I am such a different person. I am a person. Everyday struggling with keeping some bullshit self-image that was elected by my peers. All of those parties, invites, proms, beeps, phone calls, everything you think I would have wanted. All it did was tire me out. I wonder how I kept that all balanced with everything else. I wonder when I made this transition. I guess it doesn't matter.

I leave you though with my plea, anyone who knows anyone, please get them to release 21 Jumpstreet on DVD. Please, it is such a good idea.

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