pucker up

Crazy me 2003-09-21 1:12 p.m.

I have had a crazy week. Over-all I was very vulnerable the past few days and some very inconsiderate friends took anger-displacement out on me. Beer is never a good additive either. This was after a few bad days and it kind of topped it off. It made me really hate it down here.

The next day I was talking to friends from back home and I missed them so much. I found myself very over-whelmed by sadness. I thought this odd since I had been fine up to this point. I kept thinking to myself,� what have I done, why am I here." All of the shock and doubt must have finally hit me and it was too much. I started getting upset and shaky and kept finding myself taking deep breaths to keep calm. My friends kept telling me I can just sell my stuff and come back and I kept realizing that wasn't a bad idea. I wanted advice but wish I could get the answers I needed right then and there but from myself.

I feel real trapped over here, I feel lost, and I feel sooo dumb to doing this to myself. Why did I do this, anyone that I ever loved or trusted is up in New York and New Jersey and I totally isolated myself from them? I started thinking how it wasn't exactly good for me up there but that was over-powered by my home sickness. Maybe distance does make the heart grow fonder. I don't know what it is. I understand that I am not going to be completely happy anywhere that i go but I think it's time to admit this whole deal was a mistake.

I am struggling now with a decision my heart has already made. I have been gone almost a year and I am thinking it's time to go back. Maybe I will feel different in a few months but I feel like I if i could I would leave now. I will end up probably making an even bigger mistake than doing that. Sometimes I think I should just go someplace else again. Just pick up and move like I had done this time and try another place. Maybe all it takes is me eventually landing somewhere else. I still hate the way I miss everyone. I am such a little baby sometimes. I guess I shouldn't be concerned and all but I can't believe how sad i got at that second. I had to go home because I was on the verge of an anxiety attack or something.

I should try to remember why I left before going back. At present moment that is what I want to do. It takes money and time and a lease I really shouldn't break. Grrrr...I just get so tired of having to go through this stuff by myself. Again, everything is always on my own. It�s getting too hard for me. I hope it's just another funk and it will pass.

I am going to read previous entries to remind myself. I am, and well if I convince myself at least to stay until my lease is up, then I could just move to New Orlens or something.

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