pucker up

Mission Accomplished 2003-10-19 11:50 a.m.

I fucking met Dane Cook last night. I did I did. We went to the Orlando Improv and waited patiently in line. I went to the bathroom and bought two beers for the wait. There was quite a line. "How did you hear about this guy anyway?" Ha, I saw him in a 5 minute bit on Comics Come Home hosted by Dennis Leary. Oh yeah this was back when I was 18, he also had one Comedy Central special after that and I have been smitten ever since. For like 4 weeks out of the summer I would play his CD at work, then make people watch his special UNCUT at my apartment. Ok, so maybe I am a bit more then smitten, back to the subject. The two openers were excellent and the host rocked too. This was a great present. His routine almost had me in stitches, literally. I was sitting on the tall chairs and table that was asking for trouble. The waitress kept walking by me to get to the next table, so I would have to swing around like every ten minutes. Who eats that many wings, for real? I kept imagining that he would draw attention to me after I had rolled off the chair onto the table of skinny blonde hoes in front of me. I also imagined myself spitting beer all over their halter wearing backs. Straying again, after the show ended I mingled with the door man and waitresses and found out that I should go to the upstairs bar. I skip on up and lost Karen and Daniel on the way. A waitress had goten her tray knocked over so I helped her pick up bones and drinks and shit all over. Yes, I kissed a little ass to find my comedian. She points over to the green room and I walk up to a door that has "PRIVATE" scrolled across it. It screams, "Knock me down Bernice, what you want is behind me." I try knocking and no one answers then out of the corner of my eye he flys by. I grab him and hug him and ask for an autograph. I don't have a fucking pen. I see another star struck fan standing with a pen in his hand and a blank stare. I rip it away from him while he's mumbling about Dane. He was sooo cute and so excited that I had his CD and DVD. The pen wasn't working so he was like carving onto the box. I totally was touching his head, I took off his hat and ran my finger through his hair then put it back on. The only problem was that there was a baseball game between the Yankees and the Red Sox that had all boys including him distracted. He hugged me again and told me a smell good. I do. I was walking away and he pulled me back by my hair because he had found a sharpie and signed the CD. I said thank you but then reminded him there's a DVD there too. He smiled and signed it too. Best birthday.

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