pucker up

I am crying right now. 2004-05-22 9:23 a.m.

I just feel so self destructive.I don't know what else to do. I don't think I have ever wanted someone's approval the way I need his. He's mean and dismissive whenever he has a problem outside of me. For real he totally takes it out on me and I let him. I can't explain how much it hurts me when he's angry. I know in my mind that I shouldn't care and that he's wrong for what he's doing. Even if it's an apology a week later it seems to be fine to me.

I have noone to talk to about this, I just can't win. I should just let it go but all I want to do is apologize and make him feel better. I just want to make everything better and he just won't let me.

Just about a month ago he probably said the most hurtful things to me, I tried to move past it and think I did a good job. Things needed to end because I was getting hurt. He said he needed it to stop because he was feeling like shit because he was married. That's valid you know. How am I supposed to feel when I know that he e-mailed that whore cindy to let her know his wife is going out of town. I guess it wasn't his morals or guilt. IT'S JUST ME.

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