pucker up

My letter 2004-07-31 4:44 p.m.

I have had like the worst month as of late. Things went so sour with my boss and now he's not even talking to me. here I'll post a letter I have been waiting to give him if he ever talks to me. I have cried pretty everyday since the 12th. I wrote this when it happened.

I think that it's only fair to admit that you got your say. Well it doesn't even have to be fair because I was wrong. I don't know what pisses you off more, the fact that I did it or the fact that I admit it. I don't have anything to say because there isn't anything to say. You totally feel and believe what you want about me or that night. I didn't want to try to explain anything because you didn't want to hear it. I understand that, it sucks because what you thought I did wasn't what I meant. I know that's so ridiculous sounding but my head just fucking gets jumbled up. You have said some things to me that truly reflect the way you see me. Okay, I'm an asshole, I don't grasp things, I'm nuts and obsessive, I fucked everything up, irritating and etc... Why list the obvious. Okay, this isn't a revelation, sadly enough I have made numerous attempts to fix all of this when in fact I haven't at all. I think that I have made things worse because I deluded myself with thoughts of changing. All I wanted to do was apologize for all of it. I am obsessive and it became so important to me to make you understand that. It got even worse when the reality hit that you were leaving and I wouldn't see you again. I just didn't want another person to go on hating me. I don't blame you for hating me; I just insist it would be for the right reasons.

Okay the whole attachment thing, no strings, and the rest of the monstrous situation I got you into. You kept going on about ending it the first time; I'm why you ended it in the first place, and my asshole self was why it had to end. Like I said all of that you said to me I will never hate you for because it was true and anyone is entitled to their opinion of me. I wish it was better and would change it and try to but well I can't seem to do that. You know probably the only time I every lied to you, was about being okay. I don't care if you don't want my apology but I am so sorry about that. I thought I was strong but I am not, all that did was make me want to make it better. I fucked up royally at that. So you ended it and that was that, I didn't dispute it at all because you were right. When did it start again? I never talked about what happen a few weeks ago because I figured it was nothing and everything was the same, which it was. I mean I'm stupid and didn't know any better. I thought, you know, you wanted to get laid and that was it. I didn't mention it or tell anybody. I was under the impression I did what you wanted. I didn't tell anyone at all or even really bring it up again. I didn't know things had started. I know we were tap kissing on the lips but you said not even a few weeks ago that meant nothing. I mean the first time we did it I kind of slipped into old habits but you didn't seem to mind. This is pointless. I know you feel that I fell in love with you. I tried my best to explain that I couldn't but all I did was offend you. I am really sorry maybe you got me wrong. There's nothing wrong with you, I never thought you were a joke or beneath me or anything like that. I always said it was a strange situation. I do really care about you and I know that because I get hurt so much when you do things. I would rather that not be the case but it was.

I don't want this to be all scrambled but I am going to try to go from point to point with a bit of structure. Can you just try to look back on the past few weeks and see that I was fine after what happen and when "things started again"? Can you think of one time that I called you? I know I invited you in a few times but it's polite. Would I have minded if you did come in, no not at all but there are obvious reasons behind that? You actually were the one saying,� I�ll try to stay late tomorrow..." I didn't start acting up until you were leaving. That was it; in my mind I had a deadline to tell you all of this. Sorry I went too far without realizing it. The last thing on my mind was me and you, it was me and work. I can't help but be worried about my job, it's the only thing close to stable I have in life. I get stressed because I don't have a car and can't just do whatever I want. I get stressed because though I'll go, I don't want to go back to New Jersey. I get stressed because maybe 7 months ago I wouldn't be worried about you leaving and me going with you, but the fact that I stupidly hooked up with my boss then convinced him I'm insane has changed that. I just wanted to do anything and everything to convince you things would be okay because I always had a feeling that certain things go through your head.

I was really shaken about some of the things you said. If you really believe that I would purposely try to fuck up your life just so, "you would get divorced and be able to spend more time with me," then I must really be a scumbag. If you could really think that the next words to come out of my mouth were, "if you really loved her you wouldn't have fucked me," I can't even imagine what else you thought of me. None of that had ever crossed my mind. I never once thought about fucking you over like that. I never wanted anything to happen to you. That's why I stopped talking to Lisa for all of those months. She fucking thought I was a bitch and nut job and was straight up offended that I wasn't telling her anything. I figured I made my choice and had to take my losses because I couldn't stand being responsible for ruining your or anyone else's lives. Funny how Daniel never seems to assure you with things like that. You want to fucking believe what he was saying after you said you didn't, that is fine by me because I will tell him to go fuck himself right in front of you and he'll tell you I never did or said any of those things. Well you always told me I could trust him and him and Lisa really don't care about me. Why should anyone when I am so horrible? I didn't steal your fucking number off of his phone either so if that's what he told you he can kiss my ass right in front of you too. I am just going to go off this subject because it really pisses me off, the harder I tried the worse I made things.

I know you have this thing about not believing a thing I say. You exaggerate a lot of instances just to make me feel worse when I already feel bad enough. I never could get this because I would of said or done anything you wanted just to make you okay. Did you want me to tell you to fuck off when I didn't, did you need me to say feelings I wasn't having? I can't be in love with you, I think of things in a different way than like the entire universe. If there is one thing I will get right or not at all it will be love. My views on love are actually fantastic. I don't have to go through them but I won't let you think i was this lovesick little puppy with dreams of us together. I am not saying this hostile and I know it sounds it. I don't mean this in a bad way. Look, can you see me imagining a happy life with you, us hand in hand going to Tabu's Thursday night all you can drink for $10? While you�re doing budgets I am reading Buffy Trivia. I take my ferret to Wal-Mart to get a family photo. Can't make plans on Friday because Vin Diesel's new movie is coming out. The truth is that I don't want to date anyone for these reasons. I have got too much stuff to fix on myself before I can have someone become codependent on my ass. I need a major change in attitude before I can date again. I moved down the coast to clear my head the way i needed to and not date. I can't deal with any of this stuff because I feel that I don't really deserve a relationship at this point. I don't deserve any guy that can take my shit at this point. That's how I feel; I thought you knew that but how could you if I never told you. That's all I wanted to do, because I little part of me did think that maybe Island Club could work. I just knew it wouldn't if you thought all these things about me. I just wanted to assure you that I would never tell anybody about anything that happened. That I would never be vindictive enough to ruin your life. I was selfish and only cared about telling you all of this but it was with really good intentions in mind.

That night I'm sorry. I figured it was last chance so I did what I had to. It wasn't like I was thinking, well I wasn't thinking at all. I was nervous, then hurt, then well a bit mad because I had made a cake and have Karen and Daniel and Lisa if you wanted her to come over for a quick slice and if you felt up to it you could of came out with us. Then Lisa kept calling and her and Daniel wouldn't wait (I didn't tell Daniel until later because I didn't want him to tell Lisa or you and Karen was gong to be there too.) Honestly he really wanted to give you a drinking send off. I didn't call him 30 times or steal your number. I called him from the HEH to tell him I hadn't really gotten to sleeps and to make sure to wake me up in the morning. If the story differs much from that, again believe what you want. I was a brat and I'm sorry but it wasn't like you thought or said. I just wanted to tell you all of this because I just wanted to for once resolve something. This all really had nothing to do with you and I'm sorry you had to suffer. It's about me and my issues and for some reason I couldn't sit well with you going away and still thinking the way you do about me. I never thought about hurting you or your family at all. I don't think like that. I really just like making people happy and I should have never involved you in my life. I was so stupid and karma was kicking me in the ass for thinking that all could have work. I did it because you were married, and I am an asshole for it. Not to conquer or win anything, just because I thought that this was a guarantee that certain emotions couldn't get involved. I know you said you were getting feelings, and I didn't understand why. You never had to say that to me, I knew it wasn't true. I always knew you never cared about me or gave a shit. I am fine with that. I go through everyday dealing nicely with people who really don't like me. Shit, check out my family life. Look I jump the gun and worried way too much about my job, then in my own destructive way I ruined all my chances for things working out. Look even in not getting what I wanted I still wanted to apologize for EVERYTHING. Sorry, it was crazy.

I don�t know how you get to tell me that I spend my time making you out to be an asshole to everyone. Who?! I mean I wasn�t talking to anyone at all about these fucking things. Also, I really never felt this to be an appropriate subject to discuss with my mom or 18 yr old little sister. You were always concerned about Karen hating you. Look, I never told her to form any opinion about you. Had she told me numerous times that she couldn�t� believe I let you say the things that you did. Maybe she was concern as to why I wasn�t punching you in the face half the time. I would tell her that it�s nothing she understands. �You don�t understand, you just don�t understand.� I DO UNDERSTAND. Should I have not understood, was that what I was supposed to be doing? I understand, I get it all. Your job and your life coming first. Bravo! You never once thought what I got out of this, what made this �work� for me. It was because you were married, and I kept on because you were my boss. I got frustrated because of myself. It�s really hard for me to keep things inside, I get stifled real easily. I let it get to me. I should have said more back then about the things you did to hurt me.

You�ve been unnecessarily cruel to me and that is because I pissed you off. You told Daniel that I �probably wouldn�t be buddy buddy with him now that Karen and he are broken up.� You really think I am a cocksucker. Then you lied about it, right to my face. I just let you think I believed you even though I heard that out of your mouth. I brought up that Cindy shit once and only once. You know I was offended because I wasn�t good enough and it was dropped. You brought it up over and over again. You fucked me then made plans with her like the next day. You told me you were being stand-offish with me because you were catching feeling then brought her up out of nowhere on your own. Again after telling me, for no reason at all, you never did anything with her �because you knew I was upset about it that day� you made plans with her. When you told me off before I left for New Jersey, you again brought her up out of nowhere. You went on about how it would never happen, lie #1, it was supposed to happen that week I was gone. You tried to save it about the scank not jeopardizing her marriage and kids, lie #2; I told you I knew she had been separated and getting a divorced. I didn�t get why you were doing that to me. Were you trying to be hurtful? It was nothing I wanted to hear or know about because it made me feel like shit and inadequate. I felt like a failure and I explained that to you back then. This was all over with and out the window. It was so hard for me to feel like a human after all that shit. So everything settled down and we could breathe. That Natalie thing, why did you throw that back in my face? I saw you kiss her and got upset. That was it I didn�t consciously decide I wanted to feel bad at that moment, it happened. I didn�t know what to do so instead of being pissed or trying to figure it out on my own I talked to you (there really wasn�t anyone else that knew what was going on) and you lied again straight to my face. �It was meant to be funny, she leaned back and I kissed her on the forehead.� Why do you lie? I hate that, I hate when you, Daniel, Lisa, or anyone lies to me. I don�t lie to anyone but they lie to me. Scratch that I was lying to Lisa. I figured being honest was what I should do and letting you know that I would leave was right. I guess it wasn�t because you through it right back in my face. I never said or did anything about it. You never once thought I was devastated because she was my close friend. I was going to move in with her, I watch her kid for free to save her money. I�m the one that lends her money for her phone bill, electric, rent, whatever. That made that hard for me. It�s wasn�t all you and me, it was me. You know that you would randomly say shit about Cindy always right when you were planning anything. I kept my mouth shut all the time even though Sonnete would tell me everything. I just stayed quiet because she never had a clue. I would hold my tongue when she would crack jokes and show me your forwarded e-mails. �Hey my wife going to be out of town�� I don�t even want to talk about this anymore because I found out things by chance that you never you about. I�m sorry I should have let you know but you were so sensitive about anything I had brought up. I just didn�t want to fight; I didn�t care about pushing my feelings aside as long as you wouldn�t be mad. I am sorry I don�t trust you, but you have no qualms or reactions to lying straight to my face, I never thought you were sincere. And I felt like shit. This really doesn�t have anything to do with what I wanted to stay but if it can give you any incite maybe I have accomplished something.

Look whatever I wanted or didn�t want in the past doesn�t matter now. I know that I don�t want to work for Summer Bay Resort anymore; I knew that was going to happen. I don�t really care what you think about me, well I do. I just wish that being a hard worker can outweigh some of it. I wish I didn�t mess things up but I was just very worried. I don�t care what you do to me personally just as long as well you know. It�s a shame I couldn�t believe you when you said you�d take me over, but just look now. You won�t even talk to me. I know that your busy and I wish that was the reason, but it hurts that you just don�t want to talk to me. I�m torn because I want a better job and just don�t know how to make anything right. It�s a tough time for me right now.

Like I said on the phone, I didn�t want to sit and go tit for tat but I might as well say this. I really appreciated you taking care of Pockets when I left. Just food for thought, people though it was really strange you brought your wife to my apartment. I just figure that it wasn�t anything beyond you honestly saying that you were doing a friend a favor and why would anyone see anything wrong with that? I am not saying who, but when I mentioned it to someone else they thought you were sick and bordering sociopath. I mean if you were trying to push the limit or were up to something crazy, it would have never crossed my mind. I could have taken a different route and chose to read into that in all kinds of ways, you know like you do. I really would have not went with perverted and a sociopath. I didn�t think that at all, it kind of didn�t even bother me; all I cared about was whether or not she liked Pockets. I don�t know why I�m mad or sad but I tell you that I am fucking frustrated that you can lend people$1500 dollars at leisure, help them out of so many situations, sympathize with their pregnancies, rent cars for them, but I am not worth 15 minutes of your time. I don�t want to say a bunch of immature and stupid shit because I know you don�t owe me anything and I didn�t put in my dues or whatever. I really only wanted 15 minutes, it meant nothing to you but could have meant a lot to me. Peace of mind. Look the bottom line is that your impression of me is wrong and I don�t want to excuse my behavior but I have been stressed out for a long time now and all I wanted to do was be better. That�s it, and if I had my last chance to do that with you, make it all better, I was going to do it. My intent was in a good place just not my actions. My guilt has been over powering me for a really long time. I admit that, I feel like shit because you think all of that about me. I really must have done something horrible but I don�t know what it is. I just wish you would tell me. I just am getting sick of feeling bad, I just need to say goodbye.

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